I want to tell you a story about this pregnant Mum I knew. She worked in a predominantly female workforce and one specific day at the office at tea break, they got into a convo about birth.
âMy labour was 52 hours and ended in an emergency caesarean.â
âI bled too much.â
â I was transferred and it was a nightmare. The pain was awful.â
The stories went on and on. The only lady that didnât get involved was my pregnant friend, it was her first, and one other mother.
Needless to say, my pregnant friend spent the rest of the day thinking about the horror stories and the birth that was inevitably in the not too far away future. She felt awful.
If you are currently pregnant whilst reading this, Iâm sure this situation is, sadly, all too familiar for you.
The other mother, who didnât say anything in the group, caught her at the end of the day and said to her, â I actually had a great birth, it was fine and Iâd do it all again. I just didnât want to say it infront of everyone as I didnât want to be a dick.â
This woman felt like she couldnât share her birth story as it was a good one. She didnât want to make the other women feel like their births were âlessâ than hers. She didnât want to be THAT person. The one who makes everyone roll their eyes because she got lucky or had it easy.
And that right there, pretty much sums up what society thinks about birth. We are in a birth culture that thinks that if you have a good birth, you got lucky.
But what does this do then for pregnant women and their births?
If you mostly hear nightmareish birth stories you are actually more likely to have a dramatic birth because of the stories you hear. As when the time comes for you to give birth, you are more than likely going to feel scared about whatâs in store for you from the stories that youâve heard.
Will it be 56 hours like Sarahâs?
Will I bleed like Susan? etc. etc.
This then means that adrenaline is going to be higher in your body. Adrenaline effects your birth in a negative way making you feel more PAIN and increasing your chances to intervention. It also means that because youâre FEELING panicked, you are also going to feel that birth is dramatic and traumatic. Meaning that then YOU are most likely going to be that person over coffee who tells the other pregnant women that birth is in fact, awful. Actually, more importantly to you, you are going to look back on the day your baby came into the world with a dark fog of fear or panic.
You know what else is interesting. We have become so accustomed to these dramatic birth stories that you feel like a minority if you have a GOOD birth. Our beliefs are that actually birth is awful and if you have a good one then you must be an anomaly, a âlucky oneâ and that you shouldnât brag about your luck.
How backward is that?
So that if you are a first time pregnant mother who says⊠âOh Iâd like to just use gas and air and water.â People snigger, roll their eyes and mutter âHa, youâll seeâ and then you go off thinking how silly you must be for thinking that as a first time pregnant mother you can have a birth like you imagine. How very naĂŻve of you.
I also think it’s important to distinguish why you want to have that waterbirth with gas and air on a midwife led unit. Is that because that means calm and in control to you? If so, maybe it’s the calmness and the feeling in control that you’d like, rather than the water. From working on a consulant led unit as a midwife, I know for fact that intervention doesn’t always mean bad experience and waterbirth doesn’t always mean good experience. But I’ll save that for another blog post.
If you have a good birth story, SHARE IT. Donât feel silenced by the negative ones.
Donât feel like you got lucky.
Donât keep those positive birth vibes to yourself. Donât be THAT person.
Donât be a dick đ
If you would like to change the way you think about birth to a more positive one and learn ways to keep you feeling positive about birth all the way till you have your baby in your arms (this is what hypnobirthing is!) then take a look at Hypnobirthing and Antenatal Ed. Online with midwife, Beth.
If youâre local to Gloucestershire you can get the group hypnobirthing courses here.
(Edited to add.. I want to make it really clear that this blog is not to silence anyone who’s birth wasn’t great. Talking heals and sharing your birth when things were traumatic can be a way to discover that you are not alone! It’s just good to be aware of the effects that sharing stories can have on pregnant Mums and their births.)
photo credits @the_birth_day
This is so true, I had a very positive first birth, got to fully dilated at home, used a pool, no pain relief and just used my Hypnobirthing techniques, Which was exactly what I wanted but got told so many horror stories before hand, I didnât hear one positive one!! Iâve told my friends my story to help them not be scared because so many of them are dreading giving birth! Itâs not always bad x
Thatâs amazing that you are spreading your positive birth story around! Glad you were able to ignore the horror stories x
Dramatic, nightmare and horror…ouch!
Even with your edit, these are very harsh terms for mums who’ve suffered birth trauma. Birth culture is so overused right now. Lets stop pitting mums into these groups in the first place.
I had that exact model of care (natural, calm midwife led) for my birth and it was horrific. Not a horror story – a true story!
These are words that I hear Mums label their own births. I agree, itâs less about what happens during birth or whenâre you give birth or to do with what drugs you had or whether there were doctors there or no one there or anything else and more to do with how someone felt during their birth. And for lots of women they say it was âhorrific, nightmareish, dramatic.â If a woman felt like that was their birth then regardless of what happened or whether it was deemed a âgoodâ or âbadâ birth on paper, that would be their true story. The point of this blog was just to highlight that we as mothers can attempt to help stop the cycle.
You may not even be aware, your blog is continuing the cycle…
I have lived in silence for four years about my traumatic birth and the lifelong injuries…until now. I didnt want to “be a dick” and scare women with my horrific story.
I have since realised there are ways to communicate that can inform others in a respectful AND very truthful way.
Its not an easy task but we need to somehow find the balance of being able to share the birthing spectrum so women dont feel blindsided as i did (along with many, many others).
I’m afraid I’m inclined to agree with Stephanie. This was shared on a hypnobirthing group on Facebook so I came for a quick read.
The article does feel divisive – because I did hypnobirthing and the focus is on positive birth stories I almost feel now like I shouldn’t be allowed to share mine, because despite all the prep I did my birth was horrific in the end. It was a strangely enjoyable experience until it all went wrong through no fault of my own. My baby was brow-presented.
To say that a good birth isn’t down to luck (at least to some – or to a large? – extent) makes people who have had a bad experience feel pretty awful about themselves; as if, had I done more homework, I could have got myself a good birth.
Surely there is a happy medium when people who have good births feel they can talk about it just as much as those who haven’t, and no-one should feel silenced. I was very blinkered in the prep for my first birth and only listened to positive stories, perhaps if I’d taken a more balanced view I could have been more prepared for what to do when the wheels come off. Now I’m pregnant again I’m actively trying to think of everything that could possibly go wrong so I know how I would deal with it in that situation. That’s not to say I’m not being positive – I’m still hypnobirthing and hoping for the best, but I’m certainly not naive enough to think I’m immune from something happening which means I might not ‘preferred’ birth.
I think people are assuming here that by positive I only mean one type of birth. I genuinely believe that births in all its twists and turns can be positive. I believe a forceps birth, cesarean birth, inductions etc. etc. can all be positive. Iâm actually a midwife on a consultant led unit so itâs my job to do just that, make the interventions – the brow presentations and all thatâs inbetween – a story where a mother thinks, yes that wasnât part of the plan but I still felt in control with the cards that were dealt, made decisions and felt great about it. I see the emergencies, the malpresentations etc. When I say donât share your negative ones, I mean just that. When itâs been known for women to stand in a gather and just totally let it all out about their births in all their gory, awful details, which again I believe is a totally normal and healing thing to do as a way of supporting each other and showing solidarity in the motherhood- but not in front of a pregnant mother.
As for the phrase âluckyâ I by no means meant that it was purely down to hard work that someone got the birth they wanted. I meant it as more of a novelty. I think itâs a shame that people see a âgood birthâ as luck- almost as rare and lucky as winning the lottery. When in fact, I think that all women can feel good about giving birth- not because of what happened but because even with the twists and turns, I genuinely believe that all women can feel really great about ALL births.
Itâs one thing that from learning to teach hypnobirthing myself, I have realised, that lots of hypnobirthing courses do put a big focus on getting a vaginal/water/home/meadow birth. Thatâs not what I am trying to do here at all as I know from my job that, thatâs not always possible but still can be equally âpositiveâ.
Jeeez Stephanie, thatâs a really long time to be suffering in silence after birth trauma. I have seen myself the effects of birth trauma and the effects of PTSD can have on women. Hence, why I do what I do. I think itâs a really good thing to share birth experiences with other mothers. I think sharing experiences is helpful to know that youâre not alone and to gain that support network from others whoâve been through and felt similar. Itâs hard to know what you mean by birth spectrum, are you talking about what happened or how you felt in the situation? As I think itâs really important to know a spectrum of things that can happen and how best to deal with these situations. Because I donât believe that itâs the âwhatâ that makes a situation negative. I think it goes deeper to feeling heard, feeling trusted, feeling in control, feeling strong and powerful. Itâs about feelings. And feelings are paramount in all situations.
I donât think that sharing with someone whoâs pregnant that it was horrendous or awful though is ever helpful. You could be the tenth person thatâs said that to them that week, compared to zero ok birth stories.
I really appreciate your comments though, itâs interesting to hear that you think Iâm adding to the cycle Iâm actively trying to break. I genuinely do what I do to reduce birth trauma. Being a midwife working on a consultant led unit itâs my job to make all births great! So Iâll keep your comments in mind for future blogs. I hope youâve found help in dealing with your own birth trauma.
Thank you!
And thank you for keeping this important dialogue open and respectful.
Often when we don’t agree on an ideal we shutdown or simply ignore these differing opinions.
It is so important we contiune to discuss and share our knowledge to break this taboo about women’s health.
We are all here for the exact same outcome. To change childbirth for the better for our future mummas.
How we get there will look different to many different women, from homebirth to elective c-section, we need to embrace and support one another in what is already a life changing experience.
I had a lovely birth, which was a planned homebirth ending in ventous. But still amazing! A friend, who had a traumatic birth, asked me (more sneered) how was labour. When I told her I loved it, it was a really weird dynamic. Felt like there was a competition to who had the worst birth, sadly. Xx
First baby, I didnât know what to expect so other than âcan the midwife keep the atmosphere as calm as possibleâ there wasnât anything else on my birth plan. I had an absolutely amazing birth, back pains at 7pm and contractions at home at 10ish, a nice bath, lots of positions from the yoga class that I sort of remembered and that felt comfortable and my waters broke at home. Then once I arrived at hospital I was told I was 8cm. They asked if I wanted a birthing pool and I thought Iâd give it a go. I went into the pool at 1am and baby was here at 5:20am. All fabulous, I was almost on a high from the whole experience (not from the gas and air). I was just so proud of myself which sounds so silly. I do tell people about my experience because I think itâs important that they have a positive experience to consider too. I didnât want to hear all the awful experiences before I hit third trimester I think it would have made me panic. Even if things go âwrongâ it is important that mums can keep focused and calm even if all they can do is listen to the specialist. I would like to say that it could have gone the other way, if baby would have been in a different position etc and I could have easily have had a more intrusive birth if things had been different. I think mums are sensitive to other womenâs experiences and donât want to upset others, thatâs probably why you donât hear so many positive stories. So many people suffer with PTSD after traumatic births I suppose Mums donât want to be insensitive.